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TricksRabbit03
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Name: Ellen
Birthday: 11/13/1983
Gender: Female
Interests:
Expertise:
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  supersnowpea
Member Since:
5/20/2003
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| im not gonna lie, things are hard right now. and i don't really see them getting any easier here in the near future. i guess i don't really understand much about why or how things happen just that they do. there has not really been much of an up side except that things are about a half step better than was predicted by a friend. i am sorry if i have taken out any of this anger/frustration/sadness out on you. it was not my intention. i know that mishandled emotions are my specialty and apologies are not but i truly am sorry again. really i am. i just want my life not to suck so badly or at the very least someone to care that it does. oh well, tomorrow is another day.
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| frustration comes really easily to me these days...i wish that we could talk about things and they would get better. but its not going to happen.
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| i wish i had a different personality.
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| so, sometimes i write things...they usually start with one or two lines that just pop into my head...keep in mind as the entry title states that this is a work in progress. Okay, here goes: (disclaimer: this was originally written as one long paragraph but is now broken up into different ones for easier reading)
He stepped outside and felt a raindrop. But then he'd thought he'd felt so many things lately. At least he knew the raindrop was real. Real enough for him at that moment anyway. Of course she was real too or so he had thought in the beginning. By the end though he had convinced himself that the what he really believed in was her as a concept. Concepts are elusive as was she. And as you can't love a concept as well as one would like.
His inability to tell fiction from otherwise was the real problem. She was so many things and he couldn't grasp any of them. So when it was over the lines faded and it was as if it had never begun at all. It's not as if he would have known the difference either way. His whole life had been trying to figure out the lines and hers trying to defy them. And defy she did.
The thing was that it took twice as long to figure everything out when you weren't sure of anything. And he found that she was sure of everything. And so they drifted and because of this he had to let go. Not a moment too soon either for he had found that it hurt too much to hold on. Life may as well have been moving backward. And it was tough enough in the present without having to repeat the past until you got it right.
When she went away he wasn't sure what he felt. But that was nothing new. Not knowing was a safe and comfortable feeling. If there was ever one thing that he knew for sure it was never to trust his sense of well being. It's a funny thing when you feel more at ease when things don't quite fit. And when she left they didn't. And so it must have been right.
Right now all he had sorted out in his head was that raindrop. It seemed to make sense like nothing else did. He wanted to dwell in that moment. It was a good thought to know things that most others took for granted. Fiction is a tricky thing. He searched for those moments and there were times that he thought that he had found them with her. She never really understood his quest but it endeared him to her. For a while it was almost like love.
Love is almost as tricky as fiction. He didn't have that figured out any better than anything else in his life. So he stood alone and so did she. Standing alone can be okay too. Unless that is if you happen to be caught in the rain. Which as it happened he was. There are somethings that are trickier than love. And in his book that was knowing who to trust.
When life is as fuzzy as it was for him knowing who to trust was important. When the trust was good he had to think less. Things were easier. Fiction is all around and when you know who to trust they can navigate you around it. He had always had someone to play that role in his life. That was probably how he had made it this far. Currently he was alone.
Walking along the street he started to think. Thinking about nothing in particular was always a dangerous game for him. There were too many places that his mind could wander. It was almost as bad as dreaming. In dreams there was no escaping and things always went from bad to worse. Sleep was a place of uncertainties even more than in wake.
Any thoughts, comments, ideas, or constructive criticism please give it to me! I would really appreciate it!
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| BEAR DOWN
CHICAGO!! 
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